The first thing I remember about the day my mother committed suicide, is the sky. It was insultingly clear. A brilliant azure, almost taunting blue as if it was challenging any clouds to dare make an appearance. It was a misplaced beauty, an anomaly in mid October. The ground covered in red and gold leaves glimmering under what could only be described as an August sun it was warm. The sidewalk hot to the touch. So warm they had to clean up the crime scene faster than usual because my mother’s remains were literally cooking.
The second thing I remember is that she looked happy. When she left the house she was humming and singing. She kissed me on my forehead, forced one on my brother’s cheek and left the house with a promise to be back soon. There was nothing in her face, in her body, nothing that my eyes could see that said she was drowning in depression. That the weight of her own life had become too heavy for her to bear.
The third thing I remember is how peaceful her face looked in death. How her hair fanned out from her head in a halo, covering up a crushed skull. How none of her blood had made it onto her cheeks, how her eyes were wide open, staring straight up at the sky. And the smile she'd left the house with that morning, was still sitting on the curve of her bottom lip.
"Lana?" At the sound of my name being called I snapped out of my daze and focused. The group leader was staring directly at me, as were the eyes of everyone else seated. I shifted uncomfortably in my chair at all the attention but returned his gaze.
"What?" My voice cracked a bit since I never spoke and I had to clear my throat. The group leader folded his hands on top of his clipboard and peered at me over the rim of his glasses.
"Would you like to share today?" His question wasn't even fully spoken before I had already begun to shake my head no. It wasn't my choice to be here and I certainly wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me bare my soul. He sighed in disappointment before nodding and moving on to the next person.
I turned my head back towards the bar covered window. I'd heard this building used to be a mental asylum. An ironically fitting place to hold a support group for those who've lost family members to mental illnesses. The soft tones of the next person speaking slowly faded to a quiet hum in the background. That had always been a special talent of mine. Some call it daydreaming or spacing out. I call it selective senses.
As the sound faded the feel of the metal chair under my hands intensified to an ice cube cold. The smell of musty and stale air grew until every breath felt heavy and labored. And the blue sky beyond the barred window grew clearer, sharper, and seemed closer than ever.
"That's all folks! See you same time next week." Sound rushed back into my ears as about a dozen metal chairs screeched against a linoleum floor and a dozen pairs of feet shuffled towards the exit. I slipped my journal into my bag and shrugged on my parka getting ready to follow the herd. Before I could my eyes took in a pair of black loafers stop in front of my converse.
"Can I speak with you for a minute Lana?" I suppressed a sigh and met the eyes of the group leader, nodding slightly. He walked towards the barred windows and I followed behind him my eyes on the back of his loafers. The were old, scuffed completely worn out. I wondered why he didn't just get new ones. He stopped facing away from me and towards the window and he stayed that way even when he began talking.
"Lana are you scared?" My eyebrows immediately crinkled in confusion. I wasn't expecting this at all.
"Excuse me?" The group leader turned around to face me and gripped my shoulders immediately causing my body to tense up.
"Are you scared?" His eyes stared directly into mine. I felt like I was being burned by blue fire. Looking away I tried to shrug out his grip but it was too tight.
"Let go of me," I said but it came out a bare whisper. The group leader blinked and then his face softened as if he just realized what he was doing and he immediately let go, stepping back a few paces. Rubbing the back of his neck he sheepishly smiled before apologizing.
"Sorry Lana that was wildly inappropriate of me. I just wanted to tell you to share more in group. This is supposed to be a place of healing. For all," I just stared at him. He cleared his throat awkwardly and looked at the ground before looking back up at me and gestured towards the door. "You're free to go. Have a safe walk home." I nodded once still a little confused as to what just happened before turning around and heading out the door.
Crisp winter air greeted me as soon as I stepped out the door. I breathed deeply wrapping my thick scarf twice around my neck and pulling my beanie down. I loved the winter. It's not because of the snow. In fact we rarely get snow until January and the sidewalks remained bare as I began my trek home. I love it because of two things. The first one is that the days are shorter and the nights are longer.
Less people are out after 5pm explaining the absolutely deserted sidewalk I was walking upon. And since the sun sets before six I'm not forced nor expected to be outside associating with people. I have less human contact and more time alone in my room which is a blessed feeling. The second reason I love winter is the quiet.
As I waited for the light to change before crossing not one car drove by. If I was a jay walker this would've been a godsend. The lack of people outside, the hibernating animals, the few cars all of it contributed to an overall blanket of silence. Now I don't mean that no one is awake or doing things. Every shop or restaurant I pass has its windows glowing showing little glimpses of the many people inside laughing and enjoying themselves sheltered from the cold.
But out here I can enjoy absolute solitude. No one can judge you for being silent when the world is silent too. As I passed an alleyway I saw a flicker of movement out the corner of my eye, but before I could turn my head to see its source a large hand clamped over my mouth and dragged me backwards into the shadows. For a moment I was paralyzed. Then I started fighting back with all my might.
The hand was gloved so biting it wasn't doing any good but I thrashed my arms around hoping to catch something and smiled internally when I heard the stranger's sharp intake of breath when my elbow collided with his side but he wrapped his other arm around my torso pinning both arms down in a strong lock.
"Stop struggling, I don't want to hurt you," he hissed in my ear. His breath was hot and sounded heavy like he'd been running. Since fighting was a moot point I listened and fell still, my back secured against his chest. Even through my thick coat I could feel his heartbeat hammering. Almost like he was scared. Why would he be scared?
Two moments later directly in the spot I'd been standing on the sidewalk four men ran up and stopped looking all around. One of them peered into the alleyway where we were standing and my heartbeat quickened automatically with fear. Whoever these men were, I knew I didn't want to be involved with them. One of them, a tall one with a shaved head pointed in a direction and they all followed, their footsteps fading away in the distance.
I sighed a breath of relief as did the stranger behind me. His gripped relaxed slightly and as soon as it did I lifted my leg up so the heel of my shoe connected with his family jewels and I broke free. Digging into my bag I grabbed the pepper spray my father had forced on me the first day of my group therapy when he told me I'd be walking home alone, and held it up with a shaking hand towards the stranger.
He was currently doubled over in pain, both hands holding the injured goods so I couldn't see his face. I debated running away now while he was incapacitated but something in me glued my feet to the spot. I wanted to know who this jerk was.
"W-who are you?!" I shouted at him my words slightly muffled through my scarf. After a moment he finally stood up straight and looked at me. I gasped softly as soon as I saw his eyes. One was rainforest green and the other a calm ocean blue. I cleared my throat shaking my head slightly to snap myself out of my daze when I realized he was going to speak.
"I'm Alex. Freshman at Loyola University. And you?" A spark of familiarity went off in my brain at the sound of Loyola. It was the school I'd been preparing to attend, before the incident. After which I decided to take a year off to reevaluate my life. If he was a freshman than we were probably the same age.
"Why did you grab me and pull me into an alley?" I asked ignoring his question of my identity. His lips quirked into a sheepish smile and he rubbed the back of his head as if embarrassed.
"Impulse?" he offered. My face deadpanned as I stared at him in disbelief. At my expression he held up both hands in defense. "Listen I was hiding in the alley and when I saw you and heard the guys were coming I just grabbed you. My body moved before my mind knew why. I don't know, I think I thought you were going to get hurt? Anyways I'm sorry. That was way uncool of me." The hand holding the pepper spray slowly lowered. This guy wasn't a threat, he was an idiot. Slipping the pepper spray back into my bag I turned on my heel and started walking again.
To my annoyance and surprise I heard footsteps follow and then fall into step beside me. It was Alex.
"So are you going to tell me your name?" he prompted. I stayed silent. "What about where you go to school? I haven't seen you around here before. Do you live nearby?" I turned the corner and started heading up a hill.
"Where I live is none of your concern. Now stop following me and go back about your business." I picked up my pace but he easily kept up.
"Aren't you curious why I was running and I don't know hiding in an alley to begin with?" His voice was teasing. I sighed and kept moving up the hill.
"No I'm not. You're a stranger. You have your own business and problems. They have nothing to do with me. All I need to know from this experience is that it is clearly unsafe to be walking in front of alleyways when it's dark out." I spared a glance up at him. "They're clearly filled with creeps." He clutched his chest in mock offense and stopped walking for a moment before quickly catching up again.
"Ouch! That one hurt. I'm not a creep Pepper I'm just real friendly." I scoffed and replied before I could stop myself.
"Yeah because grabbing innocent passerby's from behind and dragging them into the shadows is soooo friendly." I turned onto my street and kept walking. Alex laughed from beside me.
"There's the fire. I knew you had it in you Pepper." I stopped and glared at him.
"What did you call me?"
"Pepper," he said casually. "Because you know, that pepper spray you were going to use on me but so graciously spared me from. And because you're a little hot tamale!" I rolled my eyes and continued walking. When I turned into my walkway he finally stopped.
"So this is where you live." Shit, I thought. How did I not realize I was leading him straight to me house. Since when do I get so distracted? "See you later Pepper!" he called as I unlocked my door. I turned back to face him with a glare and was met with fool waving and grinning like crazy. I shook my head and stormed into the house slamming the door shut behind me. Who the hell was that guy?
"Sis is that you?" A little 8 year old in spiderman pajamas came running down the stairs and into my arms. I scooped him up a grin on my face as I spun him around.
"Hi Ronny did you miss me?! I missed you my little superhero!" He giggled and shouted wheeeee! as I spun him in circles. He climbed onto my back as I walked into the kitchen to make his dinner. "What'd you do today my little rock star?" He played with my hair as he responded.
"Well I stayed at Miss Sally's day care and I played tag with David and David was mean to Cheryl but I protected her and she gave me her fruit cup during snack time." I smiled softly to myself as I slid him off and placed him on the counter where he sat smiling a big gap toothed grin.
"Looks like somebodies got a cruuuush!" I shouted tickling his sides. He giggled hysterically before pushing me off.
"Noooo. I don't like girls. Girls have cooties and they cry too much. I only saved cheryl because Spiderman always saves Jane when she's crying. And I'm gonna be like spiderman!" I smiled taking the freshly heated spaghetti out the microwave.
"Okay okay you don't have a crush. But that was still very nice of you." He puffed out his chest proudly. "Not go get washed up for dinner,". After Ronny and I ate and I put him down to bed I finally took a bath of my own. While I was soaking in the bubbles I heard the front door open. It was my father. I quickly dried off and retreated to my room shutting off the light and locking the door before he got upstairs.
His footsteps paused in front of my door before they moved on to the end of the hall and a moment later I heard the sound of his door shutting closed. I sighed and turned back on the light to slip in my pajamas. I'd been avoiding my father ever since my mother died. I didn't hate him and I wasn't scared of him I just, couldn't find the energy to deal with him. Every time I saw that empty look in his eyes it was like getting the news all over again.
Ronny wasn't old enough to fully understand what Mom had done even if he did realize she was dead and never coming back. But it was much easier to deal with a happy 8 year old than a father who looked like he was always on the verge of following his wife to the grave.
The next day was Saturday. After feeding Ronny and walking him to David's house for a playdate I made my way back to the busy street where I'd met Alex. There were a few more people out and about as it was the morning and most people were on their way to work in the shops lining the street. I stopped in my favorite coffee shop, The Bean for a nice latte but stopped short when I saw who was behind the counter.
"Well look who it is. Good morning Pepper!" If jaws could drop like in cartoons mine would be on the floor.
"What the hell are you doing here? I come here every Saturday and I have never seen you. Ever." Alex smiled as he wiped down the counter.
"Yeah I just got the job yesterday. What a crazy coincidence don't you think?" I set my bag on the counter as I got out my wallet.
"I don't believe in coincidences. But I do believe in stalking. And also vanilla lattes with soy milk please." He grinned at me from behind the counter.
"Coming right up Pepper." He turned around to turn on the machine but shouted over his shoulder, "And I'm not stalking you!". Some heads turned causing a blush to rise making my neck and ears hot. I duck my head and wait quietly until he turns around with my finished latte and a smirk. I grab it and leave out the coffee shop as quickly as possible ignoring his call of "See you later Pepper!".
Thirty minutes later I'm deep in one of my favorite books and relaxing in my favorite spot of the library. In the historical section there's a little gap in the shelving just big enough for a person to slip through sideways and on the other side is the "old library". When they renovated they didn't remove everything and left this tiny nook just covering it with a big shelf. There's two big plushy arm chairs and a small wooden table between them.
It's right next to the window looking down on the street so it's perfect for people watching and the best part, absolutely secluded. After a couple hours of reading my legs get a little sore so I set down the worn copy of The Thief Lord and stand up stretching by limbs as far as they'll go. My back cracks and I sigh in pleasure before grabbing my empty coffee cup and preparing to slip through the entrance to throw it away.
Before I do I hear voices and immediately crouch down next to the chair. If any one discovered this place my days of peaceful reading would be over. The voices got closer and it became evident they were female.
"God I can't believe we have to do this stupid paper on Egyptian burial rights."
"I know right like who even cares about Pharaohs. Weren't they all about cats or something?"
"Who knows. Oh I almost forgot to tell you. You know that girl who was missing in freshman orientation?"
"Uhhhhhhhh no?"
"God do you ever take your head out your mirror long enough to notice things around you?"
"Uhhhhhhhh no?"
"Jesus Stacy why am I even friends with you?"
"Well-"
"Rhetorical questions Stacy! Rhetorical. As in don't answer. Anyways there was a girl missing from our class but none of the teachers or faculty would say why she wasn't coming until second semester. But I overheard some of the teachers talking outside the break room and turns out her mother committed suicide on the day of orientation!"
"Oh my god how tragic!"
"I know right! So she decided to take time off to find herself or whatever. I hear she even has a little brother she has to take care of because her dad is nowhere to be found."
At this point my heartbeat was raging in my ears and the coffee cup had been crumpled in my hand. My mind couldn't understand how this information had gotten out. How the teachers could be so unprofessional to gossip about it. And how these girls thought it was any of their business.
"Isn't suicide so selfish?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well like now she's stuck being the woman of the house and having to take care of her siblings with no help from depressed daddy because Mommy couldn't handle a bit of harsh reality."
"Stacy!"
"What?!"
"Uhh never mind let's just find the book."
At this point my vision was beginning to turn red but before I could leap to me feet and claw Stacy's eyes out a hand clamped around my mouth and an arm locked both of mine to my sides. I struggled for a moment before realizing we were inside in the warmth. I bit the hand, thankful it wasn't gloved since we were inside. It immediately released me and I spun around ready to pounce and question Alex only to face two angry hazel eyes. Not belonging to Alex.
"What the hell bitch?!" His voice was deep and reverberated in my chest. I blinked once coming back into focus and allowing my anger to return to me.
"Excuse me? What the hell is your problem?! You come up like some creepy ass rapist behind me and get mad when I defend myself?" The guy continued to rub his hand and glare at me.
"I only did it because it was clear you were about to go fight those girls which would've resulted in my sanctuary being revealed to the world. And I wasn't about to let that happen."
"Your sanctuary?!" I whisper screamed remembering we were in a library. "This is my special place! And how long have you been back there creeping anyways?" He rolled his eyes at me.
"I was napping in my sanctuary and was woken up by those girls obnoxious voices when I saw you getting ready to ruin everything." I got to my feet finally noticing the makeshift bed out of pillows and blankets behind the giant arm chair. I shook my head grabbing my bag and putting on my coat. This was just not my day.
He got to his feet too and only then did I realize how tall he was. He must have been 6'3 he towered over me. I don't know how those long limbs fit in such a tiny crawlspace. He was still rubbing his hand which made me roll my eyes.
"Oh please. I didn't bite you that hard and its not like my teeth are sharp you big baby." He immediately shoved his hands in his pockets and continued to glare at me. Then his eyes got curious. I stiffened in defense.
"Why were you getting so mad anyways? It's not like those girls were talking about..." He trailed off as he put two and two together. My cold stare probably wasn't helping either. I turned on my heel and slid through the opening and all but ran out the library into the cold winter air.
When I thought about how he'd clamped his hands over my mouth and locked my arms down, just like another asshole I'd come to know, my blood couldn't help but boil. Meeting people like this was getting really old, really fast.
The next time I was at group therapy, it was different. I hadn't forgotten the conversation of the two girls in the library and their words continued to echo in my head. Specifically the point of suicide being selfish. I'd never thought what my mother had done was selfish. I'd never placed even an ounce of blame on her. She wasn't the one that pushed herself to that point. The world did.
The girl next to me was talking. For once, I decided to listen.
"...and when I entered the bathroom he was lying on the floor, an empty bottle of pills still clutched in his fingers. I don't even know how he found the pills or knew what they were for. He was only ten for gods sake!" Her voice wavered as her emotions spiked and even I had to blink back tears.
"But then I remembered, during one of the breaks when my parents weren't fighting, my mom was in the kitchen. She was taking painkillers for her back, Advil for her head and anti-depressants for, well for her heart. All washed down with a glass of red wine. Mikey had asked what the pills were for. And she'd answered him with," The girl hiccuped holding one hand to her face as tears steadily streamed down. She opened her mouth to try again.
"She'd answered him by saying, that they, they made her happy," She took a moment to breathe a shaky breath before speaking again. My eyes were definitely red from holding back my own tears. "I guess that when they finally divorced, and mom left, that Mikey thought the pills would make him happy. But he didn't know. He didn't know." She dissolved into a mess of tears and sobs and two girls immediately stood up from across the circle and led her away towards the bathroom.
Our group leader sighed heavily before taking off his glasses and rubbing his own eyes.
"Lets have some applause for Ruby to appreciate how brave she was in sharing that piece of her story." The group offered some halfhearted claps but most just looked devastated. Our group leader cleared his throat before putting his glasses back on and looking up at me.
"Okay Lana. Would you like to share?" I shifted my feet. I looked down at the ground. I reached up to pull my beanie down farther on my head. And finally I made eye contact with the group leader and slowly shook my head yes. Surprise flickered across his face for a moment before it was replaced with a warm smile.
I stared down at my hands, the fingers intertwined with each other were suddenly extremely interesting to me. The silence that filled the air inside the room wasn't nearly as comfortable as the one that fills the outside world. No one pushed me. No one cleared their throat or shifted. Everyone seemed to hold their breath as they waited for what I would say.
"Um," I began. I cleared my throat and tried again. "So, a few months ago, I lost my mother. I'm not comfortable going into the details so I won't." I saw some people nod their heads in understanding and I took a breath and continued. "But the other day, I overheard someone talking about....a suicide case. And they said suicide was selfish." The room remained silent. Eyes remained on me and I saw the group leader gesture for me to go on.
"They said that it was selfish for someone to take their life, because they leave behind loved ones and they leave behind...unfinished business. But I disagree. I think that suicide is not an easy decision. It's not something made in a split second or in the heat of the moment it's a building outcome from what feels like a life time of sadness. I do not know and I do not want to know how someone on the verge of suicide must feel. But I know that death is final. And for someone to truly believe that the only option, the only path, the only thing left for them to do is to end their life. To snuff out their existence like a birthday candle from some over excited toddler. I just." I paused and finally looked around the room at the people sitting beside me.
All of the faces held knowledge of the same kind of pain I was feeling. The same kind of gut wrenching loss of direction that comes with losing a loved one. The feeling of always being underwater, drowning in your own guilt. Your own inadequacy.
"I believe that takes a certain kind of strength, and bravery and courage. Suicide is the ultimate sacrifice. The people who take their lives truly believe that the world would be a better place without them in it and that's why they sacrifice themselves. And although its sad. It's not selfish."After the end of the therapy session I got an approving smile from the group leader which I returned with a very small one of my own. It felt weird to smile to any one other than my brother.
I felt a small tap on my shoulder and turned around to meet the red rimmed eyes of Ruby. Taken by surprise I simply stood there for a moment eyes wide and blinking. She sniffled and wiped her nose with a tissue before offering me a small smile. I kind of quirked my lips at her and I guess that was enough because then she began talking.
"Listen, I just wanted to say that," she seemed to be struggling with her words as her voice shook on each syllable and she paused for moment to take a deep breath. The next time she spoke it was much clearer and less mousy. "I heard what you said from some of the other group members and I just wanted to say that I completely agree with you and I think that what you did was very brave. I agonized for nights before I finally shared my story here in group so I understand why you took so long."
I nodded my head slowly at her and shifted on my feet. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for my response. I cleared my throat before speaking.
"T-thank you." She nodded once and stayed silent. Wondering if the conversation was over I flicked my eyes toward the door and she seemed to catch on stepping away from me slightly.
"Well if you ever want to talk privately to someone I'd be happy to listen," she smiled at me and for the first time I noticed she was kind of pretty. Even through the red rimmed eyes and blotchy cheeks. Surprising me again she pushed a small slip of paper into my hand and then hurried out the door head down.
I stood there for a moment before slowly opening my hand and uncrinkling the paper. Her number was written on it with the letters AAA written underneath. Anytime And Anywhere. Usually reserved for a booty call and now used for therapeutic support. It made me smile to myself and I tucked the paper into my back pocket before heading out the door.
When I stepped outside the building into the crisp winter air my joy of freedom was short lived when I saw my father leaning up against our family car. He offered me a small smile which I didn't return. He didn't speak until we pulled into the driveway.
"You start school on Monday," He leapt out the car and was into the house before I could get a word out. In shock I stayed seated in the car. My unspoken words lathered the inside of my throat making it hard to breath and the memory of those girls in the library and the realization they'd probably told everyone else too made my heartbeat race till the point where I saw stars.
Quickly unbuckling my seat I pulled my knees up to my chest and securely tucked my head in between them. Counting back from one hundred it took me until forty three to finally bring my pulse down and my breath steady. Just the mere thought of school sent me into a panic attack. Actually walking into the building, well, I was screwed.
Later that night I stared up at the ceiling wide awake. There was no way sleep was an option what with anxiety's firm grip on my heart squeezing until every other ten minutes I was doubled over counting. When I finally managed to go an hour without my breath escaping me it was already 1 am.
The back of my neck was damp making my hair stick to it from the sweat caused by a racing pulse. I'd kicked off my heavy comforter a couple hours ago and was beginning to regret the onesie pajama decision. I sat up in bed and went to turn on the light resigned to read until the morning light when I heard a soft knock on my door.
I immediately stiffened my hand freezing on its way to flip my bedside lamp switch. I hadn't heard anyone walking down the hall way and since my father is heavy footed it couldn't have been him. The knock sounded again.
"Hello?" I called out softly.
"Nana?" Came the quiet reply. I immediately relaxed it was just Ronny. Then I realized what he'd called me and got tense again. When he was little he couldn't full pronounce my name and called me Nana. When he could pronounce it he still called me Nana but only if he was scared or hurt.
Crossing my room to the door I opened it quietly to see little Ronny standing there clutching his stuffed spiderman plushie with a familiar pair of red rimmed eyes. I pulled him in picking him up into one arm while closing the door with the other. Crossing back to my bed I sat down and he rested his head against my chest.
"What's wrong Ronny? Have you been crying?" He sniffled and tucked the spiderman tighter to his chest.
"Are you going away to c-college?" I sighed realizing Dad must have told him.
"Yes my little hero I'm going to start college. But why does that make you sad?" He looked down at his plushie and pulled on one of the arms before looking up at me.
"Does that mean you won't have time for me anymore? And you won't be around to play Spiderman and Green Goblin?" I smiled as I realized why he was upset.
"Of course I'll be around to play Spiderman and Green Goblin. I will always have time for you Ronny, you're my number one okay?" I hugged him tighter and his face lit up with a smile.
"Really?" he asked excitedly. I leaned back in pretend thought and his smile slowly started to drop. Then I broke into a smile and started tickling him profusely making him erupt in to giggles.
"Yes! Who's going to battle spiderman and keep him on his toes?! One day evil will win and I need to be here right?" He giggled pushing my hands away before wiping his eyes and nodding. He looked down at his plushie again and I raised an eyebrow.
"Do you want to sleep with me tonight Ronny?" He looked up and nodded and I smiled scooting back on my bed to give him room to lay down. I tucked the comforter back on top of us suddenly feeling chilly. Ronny hugged his plushie to his chest and snuggled into my arms. Smoothing the curly hair back from his face I placed a kiss on his forehead. He smiled and closed his eyes. After a few moments I assumed he was asleep and I started to close my eyes when I saw him peek one open.
"And Nana?"
"Yes Ronny?"
"Don't tell spiderman I was crying okay?" I chuckled softly tucking his curly locks behind his ears and tucking him closer.
"I promise I won't."
This was it. This was the moment I would die. I could feel myself begin to hyperventilate as soon as I stepped out of my fathers car. My attending of Loyola University was my mother's dream for me. One I was happy to live out yes but the key word in that sentence was live. Which she no longer does. It just felt so wrong to be stepping on this campus without her.
Ronny was at school learning about numbers and playground hierarchy after a somewhat tearful goodbye this morning. I'd choked down some cereal to keep me from passing out in the first class before my dad had dragged me to the car. This was the most energetic he'd been in awhile. I heard him come up behind me and place his hand on my back. For the first time in awhile I didn't shy from his touch. It was calming.
We walked towards the front entrance of the Admissions Office and I held my breath as he pushed open the doors.
"Hey Pepper!".
You've got to be freaking kidding me.
My eyes widened as I took in a grinning beanie clad Alex seated Native American style in one of the chairs placed around the waiting room. He had a burlap knapsack tucked in his lap and was reading a small blue book. He tucked it away when my dad and I fully entered the room and leapt to his feet.
"Why are you here?" I deadpanned. He faked mock hurt.
"Are you not excited to see me?" He laid a hand over his chest as if my next words decided wether he'd live or die.
"No." I heard my dad's voice grumble from behind me.
"Who's this?" I glanced over. A small spark of curiosity lit his other wise dead eyes. I shook my head and stepped around Alex towards the receptionist.
"No one. Never mind him," Laying my forms on the counter I began registering myself while Alex pouted in a chair. When I finished I turned around to find him in conversation with my dad who actually looked, like he was, enjoying it. Strange.
"All set Dad you can leave now," I said cutting Alex off mid sentence when I walked up on them. He glanced over at me almost like he'd forgotten I was the reason he was here.
"Oh right. Okay sweetie be safe and have fun. Call me if you need anything." I smirked at him.
"It's not camp dad its college." He just blinked at me and the smirk slid off my face to be replaced by my usual expression. Some mixture of sadness, numbness and irritation.
"Well I'll be off then. See you at home," he said softly quickly pulling me in for a hug before tucking his cap back on and hurrying out the door. I sighed softly watching him go and wondered if normal was ever going to be in the cards for us again. I turned to Alex.
"What were you two talking about?" He stared at me mischievously and his blue eye almost seemed to sparkle with inner laughter.
"That's for me to know and to debate telling you after seeing how much you'll beg for it." My stare quickly turned angry and glaring and I pushed past him and out the door ignoring his calls of wait for me as I made my way towards my first class.
I didn't even know this guy. We met a few days ago and not in the friendliest or most normal of circumstances but ever since then he just kept popping up in my life like an annoying weed. I usually would've iced him out by now but he was so easy to talk to for some reason all my filters and walls were moot point around him. Soon I felt his presence next to me and heard his footsteps falling into pace with mine.
"How did you even know I was here?" His chipper response came quickly.
"News travels fast in this University," I stopped short and grabbed his jacket sleeve the wooly fabric crinkling in my gloves hands.
"What?!" I all but shrieked. "Who knows?" He slowly shrugged his shoulders while tilting his head. The action caused his grey beanie to shift off his head slightly revealing messy dark chocolate curls underneath.
"I don't know. Maybe the whole freshman class?" I was starting to get light headed and let go of his jacket suddenly feeling the need to go into armadillo mode and crouch into a ball. Alex didn't seem to pick up on my mood shift and continued on with the conversation.
"So how do you feel? Your first day as a college student!" Alex gestured toward the open campus an innocent grin lighting up his high cheekbones. I was too nervous to even be annoyed at his chipper demeanor and the words tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them.
"I have this Aunt who whenever she'd pour anything for you she'd always say 'say when' and right now it feels like life is pouring me a big old glass of anxiety and bullshit but no matter how many times I say when it won't stop until the glass is cracked and overflowing and I'm left with a big, huge, panicky mess." Alex stared blankly at me and I just stared back my breathing picking up in companion with my racing pulse. And then he laughed.
"What the hell are you laughing at?!" I nearly shrieked. He sobered slightly at my piercing pitch but still chuckled even as he pulled me into his arms and wrapped both arms tightly around me pulling me into his chest so that my face was snuggled into his-what felt like cashmere-scarf. I froze for a minute before immediately fighting back, arms and legs thrashing erratically hoping to somehow leave a mark.
"What the hell are you doing?! Don't even think about it Mister Alley Pervert-" He cut me off resting his chin on my head and speaking, his voice rumbling out from his diaphragm so I could feel the vibrations in my heart.
"Applying equal amounts of pressure in large quantities on one's body can depress sympathetic nervous systems as well as slow the heart and metabolic rate." I crunched my eyebrows in confusion at what he was saying but before I could figure it out he released me and I slowly stepped back. He tucked a loose strand of my wavy black hair behind my ear and smiled softly at me before standing up straight and tucking his hands into his front pockets.
"In other words, a hug. A hug can chill a person out. Now let's head to class! We happen to have first period together." He winked at me before turning around and walking towards the southern end of the campus. I hadn't even realized it but I was no longer panting and my heart was at a steady pace. Shaking my head I jogged slightly to catch up to him before falling in step beside him. Our feet made giant crunchy footprints in the snow marking our path all the way from the admissions office.
"Where did you learn that?" I asked curiously. He didn't strike me as a medical school type.
"Greys Anatomy," he replied casually. I couldn't help it. I laughed. His had whipped over to my direction an expression of pure shock on his face which quickly drained the humor from my body. I coughed awkwardly and shifted my bag on my shoulder.
"What? It was funny," I said in defense. He shook his head smiling and faced forward on the path. After awhile he spoke again.
"You just have a really nice laugh." Before I could even begin to ponder what in the world that meant he stopped in front of a glass door. "We're here!" he said cheerily.
"Fantastic," I muttered my nerves from earlier slowly creeping back. Alex placed his arms around my shoulders which I immediately tried to shrugged off an action he ignored until I pinched his inner elbow making him drop his arm immediately staring at me wide eyed. I smirked taking small pleasure from his pain which gave me the strength to pull open the door and walk into the classroom.
Immediately thirty two pairs of eyes turned on me and my heart began to thump ever so slightly faster in response. I heard someone clear their throat and slowly turned to the front of the room where a grey haired professor was staring at me over his horn rimmed glasses. His gaze wasn't mean but it wasn't friendly either.
Slowly I approached the podium he was standing behind and handed him my slip explaining who I was, why I'd been absent and why I was just showing up now. He picked up it without even reading it and tucked it into one of the many folders in front of him.
"Nice to finally have you with us Ms. Sterling," his voice was dull and flat with not one ounce of warmth in his tone. I nodded slightly keeping my eyes angled down. "You'll have a lot of catching up to do seeing as you missed a whole semester. World History is not a blow off class like you may have thought,". My eyebrows crinkled in confusion as to what he was implying but before I could respond he pointed to the back of the room.