I deadass don’t know how I survived. That’s what the theme was for 2019, looking back on it, survival. I have never gone through so much in such a short time. I started 2019 homeless, reeling off of a recent mental hospital stay and domestic abuse from my father. I had no prospects, no hope for the future. My one mission was getting a roof over my head. I completed that mission, I’m in the same apartment I was in at the start of 2019. But I’m not in the same pile of shit, I’m in a slightly different pile of shit. Let’s see. What actually happened to me this year lmao it’s so hard to try to think about it because it doesn’t seem real. It’s amazing looking back on moments of pain I thought would last forever in a year that dragged for a decade and now that it’s all over, it all feels so fleeting.
I was homeless.
I moved into an apartment alone.
I got a cat.
I was a sugar baby.
I changed jobs four times.
I started YouTube.
I faced two rent crisis and was almost homeless again.
I went to Japan.
I was in jail.
I went to London and Madrid.
I broke up and got back together with my boyfriend like 10 times.
I went to Vegas.
My grandma got stage 3 liver cancer.
In total I’ve done and seen amazing things and also been to hell and back.
I was homeless and realized no matter what happens to me my best friend will always have my back.
I moved into my first apartment alone with all my own money and funds and have been here for almost a year.
I got my first pet as an adult and kind of my first big purchase by myself. Relearned responsibility and got a therapy animal out of it.
I developed self confidence and self worth whilst realizing I don’t have to solve every problem alone.
I realized jobs come and go and I will be fired or quit from many more before my time is up. Experience is experience.
I started diving back into my creative pursuits and life passions.
I survived two different rent crisis situations outside of my control and learned valuable lessons for future renting.
I used my own money and flew to Tokyo just for the hell of it.
Past mistakes caught up to me and I was lucky enough to receive a second chance.
I got to see my mom and experience London and Madrid.
I matured and finally broke the codependent cycle my boyfriend and I were in, discovering once more who I was and who I wanted to be.
I worked a huge BA job in Vegas where I made amazing friends and got to party 21 plus style.
I got to see my grandma and continue to support her in her time of need.
The biggest thing I learned from 2019 is how to change my perspective. I’m still here. I’m still alive wether I like it or not so let’s not waste time being negative y’know? Shitty situations happen but shitty perspectives are pettily created. I refuse to continue to add to my own suffering by having a negative outlook on my life and my future. Uncontrollable events happen, and life is going to continue to fuck my shit up. But I have true friends and good family ready to not necessarily catch me when I fall, but to offer out a hand to lift me back up. The least I could do is reach out and grab it.
This 2020 I want no regrets. And the only way to do that is to try. So I’m going to try my hardest emotionally, mentally, and physically to give myself a break, and go after the future I deserve.