It’s so easy for me to pin the blame on others or even pin the blame on myself in a way to paint a pretty “I’m such a victim I hate myself” kind of picture. Taking responsibility and truly understanding the depths of your actions moves beyond just pinning blame. What are you going to do after you’ve pinned the blame? How are you going to change so you no longer make those mistakes? Being in the relationship I’m currently in has forced me to grow up and mature. To recognize my selfish and lazy behavior and take concrete steps towards being more empathetic, patient and benevolent towards others. The relationship I’m in did a really good job of breaking me down to nothing, revealing the most sinister parts of my psyche, my soul. Only recently have I begun to build myself back up. And if you know anything about change, that’s always the hardest part.
I have been in-until recently-a codependent relationship. I had an inkling we might have been that kind of couple but after reading the definition and the signs to watch out for, I realized I was literally the poster child for it. Wikipedia says that codependency is a behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity. The fact that it’s described as a behavioral condition made me raise the level of severity in actions a couple needs to take before being classified as codependent. But the bare bones of the definition is, enabling each other’s addictions and poor mental health as well as having an excessive reliance on the other person for a sense of identity. Hands down, that was me.
When I first met my boyfriend, I enabled all his bad habits. Excessive smoking of weed, laziness, isolation from friends if they didn’t make the first move, excessive drinking and smoking cigarettes. I let his immature actions slide, when his emotional immaturity came through in anger issues and petty fights, I desperately conceded my points to keep the peace. I relied on him as my one and only source of happiness. I sought his approval in all things and even began to change my whole life goals around to fit him in the picture. I threw away the sun and made him the center of my universe. It only makes sense things inevitably imploded.
He did the same to me. He let me withdraw from friends, let me ignore responsibilities like school and work, allowed me to drown myself in drugs and whatever vice I could use to distract myself from the emptiness that overtook me when I was alone. He took on that responsibility of being my only source of happiness, instead of trying to find one with me. We were two broken people that smashed our shards together until we made a crooked mirror, smiling dully into a distorted reflection. We warped reality and then drowned in it. Let ourselves be ruled by our petty perversions and fleeting desires. Truly taken over by our most basic needs we really didn’t give thought to what would happen beyond the next day. For me personally, I didn’t care if I made it to the next day.
I feel like that’s why it was so easy for us. We were both running from things outside of our control that still felt like our fault and the guilt was so enormous. We didn’t know how to heal. We used each other as duct tape, sank into the others touch like that would stop our hearts from bleeding out. I was not as strong as my partner and I tried to take my life. Twice. It’s only after I got the proper medical attention and removed the useless and hurtful presence of many fake friends and fake family, was I finally able to see clearer. Finding meaning in my life enabled me to stop using my boyfriend as my only source of purpose. I began to regain my identity and started to be interested again in shaping it, as opposed to trying to be what I think would make him happy.
So let me tell you the signs I saw that I was in a codependent relationship.
I had no desire to see anyone or socialize with anyone but my boyfriend
I began to change my life goals and plans to make sure he was in the picture(this quickly turned to I don’t care what I do as long as he’s there)
I constantly sought his approval to do anything(go hang out, apply to jobs, go shopping, cooking)
I subconsciously sought his approval on who I was(I didn’t want to disappoint him to the point it physically pained me)
I enabled all his bad habits and behaviors(drinking, cigarettes, emotional immaturity)
He enabled all my bad habits and behaviors(smoking, isolation, skipping responsibilities)
My mental health rapidly deteriorated if he wasn’t around(I used to cry when he went to work because I didn’t want to be alone or without him)
This is what it looked like for me. It doesn’t have to be on such a grandiose scale, it can be smaller things. Especially the enabling of bad behaviors and seeking of approval. If you realize you and your partner are doing these things, it’s time for a talk. That’s exactly what I did with my partner. I talked to him, and I stood my ground. I explained my life isn’t about him. He is in my life, and however long he stays around is up to him. I am going to do what I need to do find fulfillment, purpose and happiness in my life. If he’s apart of that great, but I’m not going to chase him, not going to try to change him or wait for his potential to kick in, and I’m not going to feel bad about it either. I will lift him up if he does the same for me. In order to break out of our codependency I did this:
Found validation from myself and other outside sources(people I respected or was inspired by)
Figured out new sources of happiness(for me that was YouTube and this blog)
Remembered how to be alone and to be comfortable in my solidarity(picked up reading and crocheting again)
Just do things without my partner and not wait for them to start(If I want to work out I go to the gym not only go if he wants to as well)
We are not perfect. And I would say that we are still codependent in some ways. He still hasn’t really figured out how to be alone. I struggle to find self motivation and validation. There are some bad behaviors we both still enable, it’s hard to just go cold turkey and frankly unreasonable. But I have recognized what is going on, took responsibility for my actions, and made real steps for change. I’m not just going to teleport to success and instant mental health perfection, but we all have to start somewhere. For you, this blog post could be that somewhere. You just need to be willing to change.