What I’m not about to do is justify cheating or try to make myself seem like a victim who was forced to do it. That’s not what happened. What I am here to talk about, is what happens afterwards. And what steps you can take towards forgiving yourself and getting that person to forgive you, if that is the end game. This isn’t an attempt to absolve my sins or ask for forgiveness, simply an attempt to explain my actions and a small act of responsibility towards the hurt and pain that I caused.
A few months ago, I was in an extremely tough financial spot. Unemployed, living on my own, no family or friends to help. I was facing eviction. I couldn’t pay rent, let alone feed myself. I didn’t know what to do. I’d been fighting a lot with my boyfriend and we were at a point where it seemed like we’d never see eye to eye, be it within the relationship or in the broader schemes of life. Some resentment had built up that caused me to begin to emotionally detach myself from my partner. This wasn’t his fault, it was just something that made my next actions easier to do.
I started to sell my nudes to people. It was a quick and easy way to make money. Painless, for me. I never slept with anyone, but I still cheated. I betrayed the trust of my partner, constantly ridiculing him and passing off his suspicions as just that. Suspicions. He was right to suspect me but I fought and lied to him every step of the way. Until he finally found hard evidence that I couldn’t just yell away. What proceeded next was days of fighting, tears, soul searching and a potential break up. I had already resigned myself to the fact that if my partner found out, things would be over. I was wrong. He was mad for sure. And so so very hurt. But he also kind of understood my actions, and somehow found it in his heart to forgive me. Something I did not deserve, but was very grateful for.
After that I deleted every number, every photo, every piece of evidence of my transgressions and never did it again. I threw away that life and the past me that would sooner hurt someone I love than reach out and ask for help. Still we had issues in our relationship. It’s unhealthy to constantly feel apologetic and in the debt of someone that you’re dating. For me, I felt like I had no ground to stand on in future arguments, no right to complain about anything. I had cheated. I didn’t deserve an opinion anymore. My partner had also forgiven me only in name really. As soon as anything came up that sparked the slightest bit of suspicion, rage and fighting were all that followed.
After some months of me actively becoming a better person and working hard to earn forgiveness and trust back, I forgave myself. That was the most important thing. I’m not a bad person, but I did a very bad thing. It was a mistake. I apologized and took responsibility. My next actions were to work on bettering myself and earning back trust. My partner did not have to forgive me but he chose to. That meant he needed to work on forgiving me and resolving the broken pieces of his heart. He didn’t. Not in the beginning anyway. But when I finally stopped killing myself with guilt and communicated my feelings, he started to change as well. And he started to really forgive me.
Since then we’ve been good. Only fighting about petty issues or things that can be easily talked through. That was the biggest solution to this whole thing. Communication. If I had never told him why I did it, he could never have understood. Had I never said sorry, communicated how I felt about him needing to forgive me, he probably never would have. In times like this, all you can really do is be honest with the other person about how you feel and be honest with yourself about what you’re willing to do. If you were like me and you cheated out of desperation, then own up to that and work hard to never be in that position again. If you cheated because you’re no longer in love, tell that person and let them go. For their sake and yours.
The second biggest solution to this was effort. I was willing to put in the work to change and so I did. If you don’t work hard, you’ll achieve nothing worth achieving. Let alone the trust and forgiveness of your partner. Since then I’ve learned to not immediately turn to the most desperate solution until I’ve truly exhausted all other options, which for me means asking for help. Even when it’s uncomfortable. When you make a mistake, if you don’t take actions to put into practice what you learned and try not to repeat it, that’s what makes you a bad person. Because you’re willing to go down that dark road again.
I hope this was helpful. To all my cheaters or potential cheaters. Really look at the situation you’re in. Is this something you have to do? Was it something you needed to do? Why did you do it? Was it truly just some drunk mistake or was it intentional? It may hurt the person in the moment, but being a good partner is about taking care of the other person’s future and their happiness. Don’t let fear and selfishness ruin the good things you have in life. Not all will be as blessed and lucky as me with understanding partners. So my advice is to just not even go there in the first place. And if you have, you better be prepared to work hard to not ever go back.