Dear Reader,
How are you doing today? I hope that all is well.
A few weeks or so ago I made a post on my Instagram about the different false thoughts that run through my mind due to anxiety. A lot of people seemed to resonate with that post so I wanted to make a diary entry about it. It’s inspiring to see so many people struggling with the same things that I do because when I see them succeed it gives hope that I can as well.
At the same time, it’s troubling that there are so many of us being betrayed by our own brain, and no one has thought of a solution yet. For now, I try to say these things to myself when I feel false thoughts begin to circulate.
“My friends don’t actually like me. I’m annoying”
If my friends didn’t like me, they wouldn’t be my friends to begin with. People don’t do things they don’t want to do, it’s that simple. Everyone can be annoying from time to time or a lot of the time even, it doesn’t mean that they are not likable and lovable.
“I have to do everything or nothing will be done right.
Things were done just fine before I was around and they will be just fine when I’m gone. If I don’t give people the chance to do things right, they never will.
“I’m forgetting something. I should always be doing something.”
Just because you’re having a moment of peace and calm, doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten something. You don’t always need to be moving full speed ahead. The still moments are important too.
“This must be worse than anxiety because these symptoms are so scary. It can’t just be in my head something is wrong.”
Anxiety symptoms are extremely scary but at the end of the day, they are just symptoms. They can and will end.
“I will always be trapped, helpless to my emotions. I will live, every day of my life like this.”
You have already come leaps and bounds from where you started in your mental health journey. You have always known it was going to be a long and hard one. The fact that you can think rationally about your anxiety is proof of the fact it won’t rule you forever. Things can and will get better.
“I can’t stop shaking. There’s something wrong with me. I’m sick.
You are experiencing physical symptoms of anxiety. It will end. Be patient and try to breathe. Go to your safe space.
If I’m not in control something bad will happen.”
You don’t control the sun and yet it still rises and sets every day.
“I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness. I must make sure they are happy, even if I’m not.”
Only you are responsible for your happiness, as only others are responsible for theirs. It is not feasible or sustainable to try and be the sole source of someone’s happiness.
“I’ll never be able to change. Then I’ll be forgotten.”
You’ve already changed. You will always be remembered by all who love you just like you’ll remember them. You’ll be remembered in the words you’ve written and left to forever imprint upon the world. In the moments of time you were the one to capture. You will be remembered.
“You can’t ask for help. If you do, you’ll be a failure.
“No one did anything alone. Someone gave them the space, or the time, or the tools, or the opportunity whatever. No one can do anything alone. You know how much you love to help people and how good that feels. Don’t take that feeling away from your friends. That’s why you have them, so you can all support and help each other. You’re not a leech.
“How many times will you be a burden to others? Why can’t you deal with your emotions yourself?”
Emotions are irrational. They can’t be controlled. If it was that easy there would be no wars and we’d be in euphoria. But nothing would ever improve. It’s those feelings of frustration that drive you to do something about your situation and change for the better. By relying on your friends for emotional support you strengthen your bond and help both you and your friend emotionally mature. A friend is not a stranger. They are there to be a shoulder to lean on. So lean.
“You’re going through it huh? You always seem to be going through it. You’re not the only one in the world with problems you know, stop complaining and get over it.”
Comparing one pain to another is pointless. Pain is still pain. Comparing it doesn’t take away only adds to it. Yes there are children starving and being shot at all over the world. That is terrible. You are going through another depressive episode brought on by your mental disorder. That is also terrible. The two can exist at the same time. Instead of comparing your pain, acknowledge it, and focus on how you can move respectfully through it. Respect yourself.
“Maybe if you weren’t so lazy you’d have actually accomplished something by now.”
Do not pretend like your mental illness’s aren’t very real and very present. They cannot be an excuse to never do anything, as you can function, but ignoring them altogether is causing you to solely blame yourself and your personality when you know that’s not true. You’re not lazy. You’re driven. You just have some synapses misfiring and chemicals imbalancing every now and then.
“You’re already 21 and you’ve done nothing with your life. Get it together. “
Remember the 60 year old Japanese woman who started DJing for the first time at 61 and was on the EDC stage by 64? There is no right or wrong way to live life. No slow or fast pace. No better or worse path. You just live it.
“He’s going to leave you eventually. They will all leave you eventually. You might as well leave first.
No one has left. This is you cycling and circling down into dangerously suicidal thoughts. He didn’t leave you back then and you’ve given him no reason to now. Check your irrationality and do not let it overtake you.
These are just a few of the many false thoughts that like to run through my mind on a daily basis. I try to challenge them and not like them take me over, but as you all know, that’s easier said than done. Have you ever thought any of these? What do you tell yourself to challenge false thoughts? Can you even recognize a false thought when it comes?
A lot of the times I struggle to identify the thought as false and its not until I’ve been sitting in it for an hour and am damn near tears that I realize. Wait. This isn’t right. Hopefully in the future these thoughts won’t come at all. Who knows.
Wishing you peace,
Love Maia