I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for little over a year. I don’t think there’s ever been a relationship like ours. Filled with extreme ups and downs, and when I say extreme, I mean extreeeeemeeee. Usually when I write I try to make things funny or flowery and sound pretty. Rather than focus on that, I’d rather just focus on the cold hard facts of the matter. And the fact is, we were toxic for sooo long. I have depression, anxiety and bipolar disorder. My boyfriend has experienced depression in the past but still has extreme anxiety. We’re just a mixing bowl of chemical imbalances baked into a cake of psycho. But we work lol. And we love each other. So much. That’s the only reason why we’re still together. But it was also the root of so many problems.
In the beginning of the relationship, he made me feel truly safe for the first time in my life. When I was with him, he made my mind go quiet. I didn’t think about anything else, worry about anything else, and I just lived in the moment. It was a happiness I had never felt before and had no intention of letting go of it anytime soon. So I asked him out three times and he said yes on the third. I fight for what I want. No shame in that. The problem with this happiness, was that it very quickly became addicting. I had to go to Tokyo for five weeks one month after we started dating, and that was so hard. Doing long distance when your love is so fresh, isn’t a good idea in my opinion. Because when I came back, I never wanted to leave again. And he didn’t want me to either. I became co-dependent on him for my own happiness and I forgot how to be alone.
I’d feel a physical pain and overwhelming sadness whenever he left, even if it was just to work. I skipped classes and work just to stay at his house and be with him. Even when he wasn’t there, being surrounded by his clothes, his sheets, his smell, that was good enough to keep the depression at bay until he got back. Already, TOXIC. As soon as you start solely relying on someone else for your happiness, you are acting in a toxic way towards yourself and towards them. You’ve put the pressure of being the sole provider of joy in your life onto the shoulders of someone who has just as much sadness in theirs. You are supposed to build each other up in a relationship and provide support for each other, but also recognize you are a part of that person’s life, not their whole life.
Because I did that, he became scared to leave me. We became scared to fight. Even over petty shit. We just didn’t want to run the risk of breaking up. So when we did fight it was always big and loud and scary. A thunderstorm of pent up emotions raging on until one of us reached the eye, found calm, cleared their head and apologized. What’s even worse is that he eventually started to break up with me every time we fought like that. Only to apologize the next day and we’d talk and work it out. But that built up resentment in me, it was basically emotional torture. Constantly feeling like you’ve lost love in your life only to discuss things the next day and get them back. What was that? Oh yeah, TOXIC.
When my mental health plummeted and my life almost along with it, he really took on the responsibility of being the sole provider of my happiness. And it wasn’t until he realized he can’t do everything for me, that sometimes all I need is a little push in the right direction and a hug, that things got better. And I started vocalizing my appreciation more. I can go deeper into the toxicity of our relationship. The suspicion, the anxiety, the warped views brought on by family and friends, the petty vengeance, but none of that is unique or new to you. I’m not even sure why I’m writing this. I suppose to just offer my own insight to what works when being in a “toxic relationship”. Or any relationship for that matter.
It’s just communication.
We vocalized everything, but we did it in a respectful way. When we fought we promised to no longer bring up things we said we forgave each other for in the past. We made sure to let the other person know just because we’re mad doesn’t mean we stop loving them. Little things like making breakfast or cleaning a room we vocalized our appreciation for and literally said I appreciate you. We tell each other I love you every day, multiple times a day. We don’t shut down or shut each other down in arguments. If the other person seems upset we try our hardest to talk and that person tries their hardest to swallow their pride and talk. Our relationship is not perfect. In any way.
There’s been so many lows we’ve wondered why are we even still here. But this is something worth fighting for. The feeling I get when I’m held in his arms. The way he looks at me when we say goodnight. The love that swells in my heart at the sheer sight of him. I know what love is. Love is not easy. It is so damn hard. But it feels so good. And it’s what I have with him. And every time we fight, and it feels like my worlds ending, I force myself to talk through it, because on the other side, I’ll be back in his arms again. And as long as he holds them open for me, I’ll gladly run into them.
Real quick before you go, I’m not condoning toxic relationships. If you ever feel unsafe in a relationship please leave and get the proper help. I’ve never felt unsafe with my boyfriend. I think that all relationships can flow in and out of periods where you act toxically to the other person wether that’s petty and intentional or emotion driven and unintentional. I think the best thing to do is to just always be aware of how your actions will affect your loved one. And to truly think about what you’re doing. If it’s right. If it’s worth it. Literally picking and choosing your battles. And remember that you shouldn’t be going to war with them at all.