Whenever your path in life starts to look different than the norm, and by norm I’m referencing not what the rest of the world is doing but what the rest of your friend group is doing, you can start to feel a little anxious. At least I know I do. From a young age, all throughout middle school basically, I would put on an act in order to make friends. I wouldn’t necessarily be completely different than myself, but I knew which parts of my personality to hyperbolize, which parts of the black girl archetype to fulfill, when to be the smart girl, when to be the leader, when to simply support quietly. I got really good at learning which parts of myself to delete, and which parts to mold until I fit perfectly in the group. I had multiple friend groups as well and I’d find myself switching between this version of Maia and that one on an hourly basis. Down to how I spoke. It was…well now looking back at it…quite insane. But that was the only way I knew how to fit in. It’s much easier to change myself to fit my situation than to change the situation.
Because of that, whenever my interests strayed from the group path, or whenever the things that made me unique made me too different, I’d simply cut them away. Bury them and let them go. It wasn’t worth becoming distant from my friends or losing the false sense of community and harmony that I’d created. A world built on lies, especially the ones you tell yourself, is ever so fragile. I wouldn’t risk anything that would shatter it. Especially not the pursuit of my own happiness. Something I never deemed important until much later in life.
Eventually middle school ended and I went on to high school. Things changed a little in that I found a more similar group of individuals to surround myself with. There were less things about myself I needed to sacrifice in order to fit in and that felt nice. In high school you’re definitely all working towards the same goal of graduating and college after that. At least within my friend group that was the path we chose to take. That allowed me to relax a little bit. No matter what I did on the side I was still a part of the larger curve. I was still on the same path as everyone else. I hadn’t strayed out of the community and still belonged. All the while ignoring the fact the community was never gated and locked. I was just too scared and insecure to leave.
Now I’m in college. This is the place where all those worlds I created, completely fell apart. Everyone in college only shares one thing in common, they go to the same school. But from major to major to class to teacher to TA to dorm to clubs and sports and even preferred study space there are soooo many choices. So many paths to take and everyone takes their time exploring them all. A habit formed in the first semester of freshman year can definitely be destroyed by the second semester. Even friend groups. Nothing is permanent here. Even GPA’s can be changed or wiped if you work and research hard enough how too. That, was too much for me.
My own goals in life became unclear. My motivation disappeared. I was inspired by nothing. Of course I also suffer from multiple mental illnesses. Anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder. It’s impossible to pretend they don’t have a hand in how I feel every day and the actions I make. Long story short after the first semester of sophomore year I had to go on medical leave because I tried to kill myself. There were many things that contributed to that decision I made, but staying on topic, the relevance of that event was that it put me behind every single one of my friends.
While they’re out working on co-op, I was going to my prescribed out patient group therapy. While they’re studying abroad or going to classes here in Boston, I’m struggling from job to job to make ends meet and pay bills since I now live on my own. While they bond in after/between class hang outs on campus, I sit at home with my cat, banned from campus due to medical leave and other things. While the world of my friend group moves on towards the positive future I once dreamed I’d be apart of too, I sit stuck in what I deemed a prison of my own making. It’s so easy to sit and cycle down a tunnel of what ifs and self hatred/pity.
What if I’d just sucked it up? Woke up earlier? Tried harder? Asked for help sooner? Just did better? Didn’t give up so easily? And as I continue down this hole the questions start to become even more nonsensical. What if I was never assaulted? Was never born with these illnesses altogether? Was never born altogether? At the end of the day these things did happen. And these are the choices I made. And now this is where I am. Looking back isn’t going to get me closer to the future I want. All it does is take away from my present.
I’m not going to lie and say it isn’t hard. I get intense jealousy at the thought of my friends becoming closer without me. Of them living out dreams sooner than I can. Not to mention the intense fear that I’ve already missed my shot and my opportunity. That my chance for success has already been wasted by the actions of a broken child. Then I have to remember, I’m only 20. Good god I’m only 20. I got at least 80 more years on this bitch why am I acting like I’ll slip into the abyss that is death tomorrow? Not to mention, there are so many opportunities for me to make memories with my friends in the future. And there are so many people I wouldn’t have met, gotten close to, or learned to appreciate if the events of my life hadn’t played out the way they did.
For every horrific event there has been a silver lining that’s showered my memories and my struggle with validation and warmth. That’s made them worth it. It gets easier to deal with FOMO when I realize, how have I missed out on life? I’m literally still living it. That’s like thinking you lost the game because the other team scored the first point. You’ve got so many more chances left to improve and to come back. And pushing this metaphor forward even more, losing the game shouldn’t matter. The point of the game is to have fun. The point of life is to enjoy yourself. No one can make you more miserable than your own mind. And at the end of the day FOMO is all in your mind. Those friends you think have moved on without you are patiently waiting to see what amazing things you do. They’re there to support you whatever your path and journey is, and so proud of you too. The same way you feel about them, your real friends feel that way about you.
I specify real friends because boy there is quite a difference. There are most definitely friends who only want you around as long as you fulfill a role or a service for them. And when you can no longer perform that role or service, well. Out of sight out of mind. The friends that are there because they just love you and who you are as a person, you’re never going to miss out with them. They are there for life, however long that may last.
So I suppose my advice for FOMO is, no one knows the future anyways so you can’t miss out on what hasn’t happened yet. And as for the past and what you’ve already missed, you already missed it. What’s thinking about that going to do for you? Is it going to get you to the next opportunity? Nope. Opportunities are like clouds. Come in all different forms. Some days there’s none. And some days, you can’t even count them all there’s so many. Stay vigilant. Stay focused. And try to remember, a new day with new opportunities will always come.