Dear Reader,
How are you feeling? I just had a little crying spout thinking about my recently passed grandma. It was a nice catharsis. Let’s get into today’s topic! Love~
There’s a quote I read on IG that went something like this:
My most frequent complaint toward my partner or loved one reveals my greatest emotional need, not their greatest flaw
I really love this quote for a lot of reasons. One is because it really shows that there’s two sides to every coin. What your partner does and the reaction that is stirred within you may not be happening because of anything in that present moment, but rather a deeper seated insecurity, emotional need or past trauma. The second reason I like this quote is because it removes the blame in a situation where there shouldn’t be any. What I mean is, rather than saying “I’m complaining because you always do this and it makes me unhappy” thus putting the blame on your partner, you’re saying “Due to the lack of ___ in my life up till this point, that action triggers a reaction in me”, thus removing the blame from both of you and just stating the facts of the matter. I think that in romantic relationships understanding that placing blame isn’t as important as discovering the root of the issue, is crucial to it’s success.
I think this quote also fits nicely with today’s topic of love languages, since a difference in love languages and a lack of understanding about that difference can lead to many problems. For instance my boyfriend is very much a words of affirmation lover while I am an acts of service. He gives and receives love through quite simply, saying I love you. I on the other hand don’t like to say it often I’d rather show you by cleaning your room. And I feel loved when you do something for me like make me a smoothie rather than say I love you. That seems like such a small thing but it made all the difference. Lack of communication and understanding about our different love languages lead him to believe that I didn’t love him and made me feel like I was never appreciated.
Words of Affirmation
It’s exactly what it sounds like. Those with words of affirmation as a love language value verbal acknowledgements of affection including frequent ‘I love you’s’, compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement and often but not always frequently use digital communication like texting and social media.
If you don’t feel understood or appreciated by your partner until they say, ‘I appreciate you’ or ‘I love you’ then this is definitely one of if not your only love language.
Quality Time
Those who love through quality time feel the most adored when their partner actively wants to spend time with them and is always ready and willing to hang out. This carries on into the actual quality time where they enjoy active listening, eye contact, full presence and also prioritize hallmarks like anniversaries and firsts in the relationship.
This love language is for those who feel the most loved when they have someones undivided attention with no distraction from any screen. Conversation and being fully present is the greatest compliment for people who love this way.
Acts of Services
These are for people who feel the most loved when their partner goes out of their way to make their life easier. Bringing them soup when their sick, making coffee for you in the morning, cleaning your room when you’re out or making sure dinner is ready for when you get home. The phrase “actions speak louder than words” is the base for this love language where showing is valued much more than telling.
Gifts
This is also exactly what it sounds like. If you feel the most loved when you receive visual symbols this is your language. Not gifts of high monetary value but gifts where the thought behind the item shows clearly. This is for people who recognize and value the gift-giving process: careful reflection, deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship and the emotional benefits from receiving the present. The key is that the gifts reflect the receivers values not necessarily the givers.
Touch
Lastly is touch which is again, exactly what it sounds like. Those with this love language feel loved when they receive physical signs of affection. Kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful connector for people with this love language. Most people love through touch as and one other language. The roots go back to ones childhood where some children only felt loved by their parents when held, kissed and touched.
Now everyone has a combination of these love languages. People are not so simple to love only one way. Understanding what makes your partner feel loved and communicating what makes you feel adored and appreciated is so important in fostering a healthy relationship. Even if you feel like saying I love you obviously communicates your feelings, if your partner only feels appreciated through acts of service then what you’re doing is moot and can quickly turn resentful. Here’s some ways you can put these different love languages into practice with your partner.
Words of Affirmation
encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize, listen actively
send an unexpected note, text, or card. write them a love letter. genuinely encourage and often. “I appreciate you”
Physical Touch
non-verbal, use body language and touch to express love
hug, kiss, hold hands, show physical affection often, surprise back massages, rubbing their back lightly when you pass, make intimacy a thoughtful priority
Receiving Gifts
thoughtfulness, make your spouse a priority, speak purposefully
give thoughtful gifts and gestures, small things matter in a big way, express gratitude when receiving a gift, diy projects you can do together and gift each other when done
Quality Time
uninterrupted and focused conversations, make 1-1 time a thoughtful priority
create special moments together, take walks, do small things with your partner, weekend getaways, evening bike rides
Acts of Service
use action phrases like “I’ll help..” They want to know you’re partnered with them on the same team
do chores together, breakfast in bed, go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload
And if none of these love languages sound like you, that’s okay too! Sit down with your partner and discuss what makes you feel loved. It’s those open and honest conversations that make all the difference.
Wishing you peace,
Love Maia