Dear Reader,
How are you this fine afternoon? I had a bit of a late start to the day but I’m finally starting to get in the swing of things. It’s a bit of a heavy topic this time so be careful if you’re already in a sad and fragile state, this may not be very helpful for you.
So I have been sexually assaulted twice and raped three times in my life. The instances were spread out starting at the age of 5 until I was 19 by family, friends and strangers alike. Needless to say, trust has always been an issue for me. Whenever I told my friends about the experiences, after years of holding back, I was always met with tears. I am lucky enough that I have really good friends in my life who did not make me feel like a victim. They got angry for me, cried for what I lost, and helped to make me laugh again. I honestly don’t know how they did it.
Recently, one of my very close friends unfortunately suffered through a sexual assault experience. I knew who they abusers were even though I wasn’t close enough with them to call them friends or even acquaintances. When it was my turn to be the supporter, it was so much more challenging than I was ready for it to be. I thought that due to my own experience with the topic I”d be able to empathize better than anyone. But even I didn’t know what I wanted to hear during those moments when I confided in her. So when it was my turn to speak, I had no idea what to say.
I know a lot of people unfortunately go through this experience. It’s very hard to be both the confider and the confidant. If you are associated with your friend’s abuser it may put you in an awkward position, but your discomfort cannot compare to the trauma your friend experienced. So I wanted to give some tips and things to keep in mind when someone has decided to confide in you about their abuser, especially if you personally know their abuser.
Do not get defensive
When your friend decides to confide in you about their abuser, that is a very big decision. For some people there is so much shame surrounding their trauma that confiding in others can actually make it worse. So the fact they’ve decided to confide in you at all, should show you how much they trust and value you in their life. Respect that.
When your friend discusses the harm done to them by someone you know personally, most of the time they have an issue with their abuser, and are detailing how your associations to that person impacts them. This does not in any way mean they are blaming you for their traumas. Instead of being defensive, try to move from a space of empathy and compassion.
Ask them what they need. This can look like: “How can I be supportive?” “What would you like me to do?” “I am here to support you in anyway you need”.
Do not tell them what they should do
It is quite natural to want to give someone advice, especially about a stressful and traumatic situation. You only want the best for them and if you have experience with something that worked for you, by all means you would want to share. It’s really easy to say “YOU should’ve communicated this” or “YOU should’ve done this” or “YOU should do this”. On the outside looking, the solutions may seem simple but that is hardly ever the case for the survivor.
There is no standard way to heal from mental and emotional trauma. Healing, feelings and emotions are all complex. Sometimes giving unwarranted advice puts more stress and weight on the person’s shoulders, especially if it fails. Be patient with them. Wait until they ask you verbatim what should they do, and then offer some advice in the form of suggestions, not decisive statements.
This can look like: “If you’re feeling like ___ this might help you” “Something I’ve tried before that worked for me when dealing with___ was___” “Have you tried___yet?”
Be transparent with them about the relationship you have with their abuser
This is specifically for those who have a personal relationship (friends or family) with the abuser. It is understandable to not want to step on any toes and cause additional conflict and thus avoid mentioning the abuser as much as possible because you don’t want to trigger your friend. But by being avoidant, you are risking the very same trust you and your friend established when they confided in you in the first place.
When your friend tells you about the person that has harmed them, be very transparent and honest about the kind of relationship you have with them. Do you both talk often? Do you follow each other on social media? Do you identify this person as a friend? Does this person identify you as a friend?(You may not claim them but they may claim you) Do you intend to continue having a relationship with that person. Being as clear as possible solidifies the trust between you and your friend, as well as getting rid of any awkwardness around the subject.
Asses your priorities
What do you stand for? Are you a person that cares when harm is being done to those close to you? Do you speak out against all forms of violence including interpersonal ones? How do you stand with survivors? Where’s your moral compass? Figure it out. If you find that you will lose nothing if you decide to cut the connection between you and your friend’s abuser than please do so. In the face of oppression, those who decide to stay ‘neutral’ have already picked the side of the oppressor. Staying neutral in a situation like this, tells that friend you chose the abuser, and your own selfish peace of mind.
Respect and responsibility
Making excuses doesn’t help the situation either. Saying things like “I have to respect your abuser because they are in close proximity to my friend, partner, family, business, etc” are still excuses. You do not have to engage with anyone who has mistreated or abused the one(s) you care about and if you do, that is a choice. You do not have to talk to them if you don’t want to. You don’t have to follow them on social media if you don’t want to. There is such strength in honoring your friends when you set boundaries between you and their abuser.
This can look like:“ I cannot get close to you because you have harmed my friend, and it has negatively impacted them” or “I do not wish to engage with you because you abused my friend, and I am honoring our friendship by distancing myself from you”
Take accountability for any way you may have added to the harm
No one wants to believe they may have added on to their friends trauma. But the fact of the matter is everyone has the potential to cause harm, especially to those closest to you. This is where we circle back to tip one. Instead of being defensive when your friend admits you may have added to their harm, take accountability for it. You may not feel or think you did anything directly, but this is your friends reality. Not yours.
Whenever anyone is confiding in you about their past abuse, just try to remember how big of a step that is for them. Be there ready and open to shower with them with love and understanding. The rest will work itself out. I hope this helps.
Wishing you peace,
Love Maia