I don't think people understand loneliness, at least those who aren't lonely. It's the most soul crushing feeling in the world. It makes it hard to breathe. Your lungs struggling to inhale and exhale under the weight of abandonment. A worse feeling than being lonely, is feeling like you're the reason you're lonely. That, the sole reason you have no one, is because no one could ever stand to love you. But there are many different types of lonely,
There's loneliness caused by loved ones being far away. Either physically or emotionally. There's a phrase that goes a little like, "I could stand in a room full of people and still feel lonely." The reason this phrase says people and not strangers is because most times we feel lonely because of the people we know. Our friends and our family. The people we love. Whether they realize it or not, no one but ourselves could cause us more pain.
I have suffered with loneliness for a long time. First from my father, a rare presence in my life. Then from my mother, after she found a new love. Then from my friends, even my best friend. So I took lovers, tried unknowingly to fill a hole that had been growing ever wider within my chest. Until one night, a night after a long and tiring but surprisingly fun day. I was confronted by a friend for something I'd never even thought could be an issue. Once again, I had made another mistake. Said the wrong thing. Didn't do the right thing. Once again I was the cause of my own loneliness. A loneliness I hadn't faced for awhile. One that had grown and festered within me roaring to be heard to be felt. I'd trained myself to be deaf to its cries but, not that night.
That night I felt loneliness with every fiber of my being. It tore me apart. My body ached with the weight of crushing disappointment. Even the thought of the word lonely brought salty rivers pouring from my eyes. I don't know how to describe that pain. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It was inescapable. I cried so much that night. Until my eyes were red and sore and my nose was stuffy. Lips parched and dry and an entire roll of scattered tissues on the floor. I cried until I had nothing left to cry out. And then my soul cried.
I could feel it breaking inside me. For a moment, a brief moment, I thought about the pills inside my roommates bag. A bottle of Tylenol. There was more than enough in there for me to take a lethal dosage. I though about how easy it would be, to just pop off the lid, throw fifty in my hand and swallow it down. Swallow away my life and all the pain that accompanied it. See I'm the type of person who focuses on the bad in life, unwillingly or not. My brain blows up those moments until the fill up the entire screen and nothing else can be seen or heard. Partly because of my anxiety, partly because of my depression and my bipolar tendencies but also that's just who I am as a person. I've tried so hard to change.
I thought I was making strides towards being a better person and focusing on the good and bringing nothing but light into the lives of others. I thought I was making a difference in myself. But I was just playing a magic trick. Diverting the crowds attention away from the small bend of the wrist that makes the magic appear. But I finally saw through the trick. And the magic was gone.
I don't know how to battle loneliness. Each day is a war and each moment feels like a lifetime. So living feels like a lifetime spent at a war you know you'll never win. The best you can hope for is a ceasefire to catch your breath before the battle wages on. Comrades drop away left and right until it's just you battling this giant beast that seems like it has no weakness. It feeds off your fear. Your sadness. Your anguish brings it joy and it only ever grows stronger. You try tricks of your own, divert its attention so you can attack. But it doesn't fall for them. Because that very beast is you. You're fighting a monster born from your own mind. You're fighting yourself.
How do you win, against yourself? Doesn't that mean, you'll also lose?